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11/10/2021 07:30 AMBruce McIntyre’s efforts have been a lifeline to countless families for decades, via The Cove Center for Grieving Children, which got its start in Guilford in 1995. As shared at the Cove’s website, www.covect.org, November is national Children’s Grief Awareness Month.
Bruce was living the seemingly perfect suburban life with four children and his loving wife Judie. Then, Bruce and his children endured an all too familiar ordeal when Judie died from cancer in 1974.
A single father with four children aged 3 to 11, Bruce was overwhelmed with the responsibility and the work needed to manage the grief he and his children were forced to face. After several years of struggling to keep his family together, Bruce met and then married his current wife Renee, whom Bruce credits with saving him and his family, and with inspiring him to help others who were facing the same challenges and help organize The Cove.
“I became a widower in 1974, and I raised them for 6 ½ years pretty much on my own,” says Bruce. “Then I met Renee and our relationship began to develop. We used to have some great talks in the evenings and I would share, and she taught me some great and valuable things.
“One time I said, ‘All four kids want my attention all of the time,’ and Renee said, ‘Pick a night of the week that’s best for you and take each of them out for dinner,’: he recalls. “So we did that, every week, and we really got some great one-on-one time and that was one of the first things that began to inspired us.”
Bruce says that he and his children simply did not get to grieve for Judie. The pressures of daily life, the era, and the lack of resources did not allow for the foundation of a program such as The Cove, says Bruce.
“We simply didn’t grieve and that is what Renee noticed,” says Bruce. “Renee said to me, ‘None of your kids have grieved, they need help.’ And I needed help, too, to figure out what it was all about. She is so sharp that she knew instinctively what to do to push them in the right direction.”
Fast forward a few years, and Bruce and Renee met a couple from Guilford, Jim and Maryanne Emswiler. This couple’s heart-breaking story of losing a wife and mother resonated with Bruce and the foursome began to form the idea of organization dedicated to guiding children and families through the grief process. The Cove Center for Grieving Children was born and the organization immediately found a community desperate for help.
Though both Bruce, a long-time resident of Madison, who and Renee developed, led, and had contributed time and funds to numerous Madison organizations, including ABC Program, the Teen Rec Committee, Safe Rides, Madison Youth Services, and many others, the organization that brings the most sense of accomplishment to Bruce is his work with The Cove.
Bruce had always volunteered and devoted time to the community, but with Renee’s guidance, they began a truly uncompromising devotion to service in a manner that was as unique as it was critical.
That may seem obvious considering Bruce and his family’s experience with the death of a dedicated wife and mother, but the ability to help others grapple with the same issues as he and his family did was a vital part of his eventual healing, Bruce says.
The Emswilers “had heard so much about the work Renee had done and really stayed on us to help them, which eventually we did,” says Bruce. “The model of The Cove was not a drop off. This is family based—the entire family participates. It’s for the family or the caregivers to come and meet with other family members with The Cove to have an opportunity with volunteer facilitators to help both parents and children.”
Bruce said that The Cove was intended to be a safe harbor for anyone affected by the loss of an immediate family member. Bruce says that it was important for him to give back in a way that might somehow ease the pain and grief of others and spare them the trauma, even in small way, that he and his children experienced.
“The biggest thing for me was just the language. When people die, we often use the term ‘passing away.’ What is that? We celebrate birth, but we don’t celebrate death. Other cultures celebrate both of them. So getting people to use the ‘D’ word is so important. Death, dying, is where the process starts, simply saying the words. It grew quite rapidly. The need, we found, was really there.”
Bruce says that the organization has volunteer and professional staff that work tirelessly to help clients deal with the overwhelming issues they confront, but sometimes even a small reward of the program can take on special meaning.
“I had a mother tell me—a woman who was raising three small children after the death of her husband—it was the fact that she didn’t have to cook dinner on the nights she brought her children to The Cove that eased her grief and allowed her precious moments of peace,” Bruce says. “The Cove really is a special place. It has really been a positive influence for many people.”
Bruce says the organization strives to bring professional grief counseling and an opportunity to listen. Bruce encourages anyone dealing with grief to contact The Cove and begin the healing process. Words like closure don’t necessarily have a place in the grieving process, says Bruce.
“Without The Cove, so many kids will turn to drugs, alcohol, have school issues, and forgo the healing they desperately need. The Cove was designed for any family or caregiver who needs our help,” says Bruce. “There are other wonderful organizations that do this work, too, but they aren’t as big as we are and we just want families to access help anywhere they can. For me, I do not want any family to be without the resources to help a grieving child. I will do anything I can to focus on that.”
Bruce says that some children have gone on to become counselors at the organization and all credit The Cove with being an important part of their healing process. Bruce says he and Renee have been blessed by their experience and the people who have come through their lives.
“Renee really opened up my eyes to helping others, very much so. I played golf, guy stuff, but I hadn’t really taken on something like this. What things are important in life? Renee was doing all sorts of activities and I saw how much she was giving back emotionally and it just really struck me how I could do that, too,” says Bruce. “I was so blown away with what Renee was doing with not only our kids, but with other kids. Without a doubt I am the luckiest guy in the world.”
Today, there are seven Cove sites throughout the state serving hundreds of grieving children and family members through regular support sessions, including one in Guilford. If you or your family are in of need grief counseling, visit The Cove Center for Grieving Children online at www.covect.org or call the coordinating office in Meriden at 203-634-0500.