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01/20/2015 11:00 PMAfter the birth of her second child, Kerry Haynes knew something didn't feel quite right.
The Branford resident had already been through the process of raising a baby with daughter Hannah, now three. She also knew she had the support of her husband, Jeffrey. Still, Kerry sometimes felt a bit adrift and challenged in the days and weeks after their son, Jeffrey (now 15 months), arrived.
A professional in the social work field, Kerry recognized her concerns and thought she could benefit from joining a support group. After casting around the shoreline in vain for the type of group she was seeking, Kerry decided to start her own. Now, she's offering moms from this area an open-forum, free support group, Life After Baby-Navigating the Fourth Trimester and Beyond.
"A post-natal support group is something that I could have really benefited from after the birth of Jeffrey," says Kerry. "It was something I was looking for and couldn't find, and that kind of struck me as unusual, because I know there are statistics that one in four women experience emotional changes and one in eight women have post-partum depression. So it was sad to me to think that there's so many women that are out there that are probably going the struggle alone, when there should be support.
"I thought, 'This is crazy.' But if there's one out there, I couldn't find it," she says.
Life After Baby is open to the public and meets from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. every first and third Thursday at the Soundview YMCA, which is sponsoring the program. Moms can join at any time-no registration, no pressure. Children are welcome.
"It's a safe place to talk and kind of normalize the whole after-baby process, from breast feeding to family structure changes, balancing work, balancing family life-just everything," says Kerry.
Kerry thanks her friend and fellow Branford Rotarian Pat Andriole-as well as her "amazing" girlfriends-for encouraging her to pursue putting the group together. Andriole is the recently retired executive director of Branford Counseling Center and she helped put Kerry in touch with Soundview Y Executive Director Doug Shaw, who embraced the idea.
"The Y is such a great place to meet because it's really family-oriented. If you're a member, the group meets at a time when they have child watch available; if you're not, you can bring your kids. I want to make it as easy as possible for moms," says Kerry. "That's why it's an ongoing group, with open enrollment. I didn't want to put too much structure to it, because I feel like moms have so many commitments already, and putting your name down and signing up for something-that's another commitment. I want women to have that flexibility to say, 'I have the time tonight; I want to go.'"
Feeling overwhelmed by commitments adds to the unspoken pressure a lot of post-natal moms feel, says Kerry. Social media is another factor making moms feel overwhelmed, she points out. The bombardment of images and information can hold an unrealistic mirror up to moms who feel they can't possibly measure up.
"We feel this pressure to meet all these unrealistic expectations. I think that social media plays into that-you have all these perfect images, like Pinterest, and it's just natural for us to look at them and say, 'Wow-look what so and so did for that birthday' or, 'Wow-look at how great she looks after her baby,'" says Kerry. "We feel like we should be perfect moms because of these unrealistic expectations. There's a lot of pressure."
Kerry says it can be hard for moms in the "fourth trimester" to admit they're not "supermom"-and she can recall feeling that way, too.
"I feel like there's a stigma attached to having that conversation about the fourth trimester, that adjustment period, and that women feel ashamed that they're not supermom, right off the bat," says Kerry. "I knew there were days when I'd feel a little down, and there were days where I'd feel like, 'I've got this,' and there were other days where I was faking it. It was almost like it was a big secret I had to keep."
With Life After Baby, Kerry says, "My goal is to have a safe place for moms to celebrate each other and support each other and make friendships. I'm hoping that this group will take on a life of its own. I'm also hoping, as it grows and develops, that I can bring workshop-type speakers, whether it's about topics like self-care or yoga...I want the group to kind of guide it."
Kerry holds a bachelor's degree in social work (BSW) and will facilitate the group.
"I'm a mom and I have a background in social work-I've been working at BHCare for 16 years-but I think what I really bring to this also is just my passion for wanting to do this," says Kerry. "I just want it to be a place for moms to talk about everything-the good, the bad, and the different. There are so many changes that happen."
In helping themselves, Kerry says, moms who participate in Life After Baby will also help the people they care about in their lives.
"The post-partum period doesn't affect just the mom; it affects everybody-your significant other, your other children, your performance at work, everything. I think that if moms can feel empowered, it will just have that snowball effect," says Kerry.
Life After Baby-Navigating the Fourth Trimester & Beyond meets the first and third Thursday of each month at Soundview Family YMCA, 628 East Main Street, Branford, from 5:30 to 6:30 p.m. Free and open to the public (Y membership not required). Children are welcome; light refreshments will be served. No registration is required. For more information, email boughtonkerry@yahoo.com.