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#MeToo—A Real Conversation Has Begun

Among the many headlines that stood out in 2017, women’s stories of sexual harassment and assault by men in positions of power in the workplace, in politics, in the entertainment industry, in higher education, and in private life, were revealed in the media almost daily, earning the two-word hashtag #MeToo, which went viral in the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct against film mogul Harvey Weinstein.

There are good and bad aspects to this un-caging of the elephant in the room.

It’s bad in that it’s mind-boggling to discover the sheer volume of women who’ve stayed silent for decades in fear of retribution. Many are Baby Boomers—ironically, the generation that also created the feminist movement.

It’s good because victims are speaking out and being heard and more perpetrators are being held accountable for their behavior. A real conversation has begun.

I spoke to local resident Barbara Moynihan, a veritable wealth of knowledge on issues of interpersonal violence, sexual assault—including on college campuses—and sex trafficking.

Moynihan has a Ph.D. and is a registered nurse. She facilitated a support group for women who have experienced sexual harassment in the workplace. She developed the first hospital-based Rape Crisis Unit in Connecticut while serving as nursing director of the Emergency Department at Yale New Haven Hospital. Today Moynihan is a practitioner in residence at University of New Haven’s Forensic Science Department and has a private psychotherapy practice in Branford, specializing in post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety.

Q. As disheartening as it is to see woman after woman coming forward in every arena, are you heartened that women are finally being believed for the most part?

A. Finally this has influenced their ability to feel comfortable, to socialize, to not be afraid to say something that might be misinterpreted. There was an over 80-year-old woman in one of my sexual assault support groups. And the only reason she came was she heard something on the air and said, “I can’t believe that now I can talk about it. It wasn’t my fault.” So really, it’s about time. But, the women coming forward aren’t the one’s that worked in Wendy’s, McDonald’s—why are we only supporting women in the upper echelon of professionalism? What about the blue-collar workers, the factory workers? The people we think we can yell at because they’re not fast enough at the drive through?

Q. Do you think there are degrees of sexual harassment and will it be difficult to determine punishment when you get into gray areas between inappropriate comments and rape?

A. I’m not maligning anybody out there working. However, the other day, this woman said to me, “They’re doing a lot of construction where I work and at lunch time, when I walk by, some of these men make lewd noises and whistles and I hate it. Now I don’t go to lunch, I bring my lunch.” So, is it ever going to change? Are people going to be held accountable for making lewd comments? Is that [OK because it’s] non-touching? People have said, “So what if she got a pat on her rear end?” Well, did they get permission to pat you on the rear end or somewhere else? So what would punishment for that be? And now men are in a dilemma. The other day a man said to me, “Would it be all right if I opened the door for you? I don’t know what to do.” I said, “Sure. It’s too heavy for me.” There are a lot of gray areas.

Q. Do you have any suggestions for when someone has clearly crossed the line in the workplace?

A. It’s easy to say [the perpetrator] gets fired, but if there’s no treatment, they’ll go on to another job and do the same thing. So we can fire people, but will that behavior stop or will the person become even more angry and aggressive? I think making getting treatment a condition of not only keeping your job, but ever being hired again is a [good idea].

Q. Are you surprised when you hear women, including our First Lady, make comments like “Boys will be boys”?

A. If that’s the way it is, we’d still have horses and buggies and we wouldn’t have cars. Boys should be boys: polite, gender respectful; they should share the chores. We don’t have to say that boys will be girls. We want boys to be boys. Turn it around. Say, “Good guys can be great and we want them to be partners with us, not adversarial.” We need to educate the men. There is a mandate now at universities: “No” means no. And “I’m not sure” means no. The only thing that means yes is “Yes.” Don’t put the onus on the victim by saying, “You know better,” and “Didn’t you know he was making advances?” Victim blaming is big.

Q. What do you suggest women—and men—do to stay safe and be heard when they find themselves in a threatening situation?

A. Be vigilant. Don’t think if you’re nice-nice and polite, the person will stop. If you don’t like the way the situation is going and you’re getting that “uh-oh” feeling, before it turns into panic, get out of there. If you don’t have a car, call 911 and say, “I’m afraid I’m going to be assaulted.” The police will respond. They don’t want to see it happen, either. Don’t put yourself in a situation where it will only get worse. Don’t put your drink down (where someone can slip something into it). Don’t get in a car if it doesn’t feel right. Listen to your gut. No, don’t go upstairs, no, don’t go in a private office. If the person asks, “Why not?” Say, “I don’t feel comfortable.” If the person says, “You’ll lose your job,” you’ll have to look at [the possibility] “So maybe I’m going to lose my job.”

Q. But why should anyone even be put in the position of losing their job, their career mobility, if they don’t give in to sexual advances?

A. You may think, “I want to advance my career. This person can do that.” But the cost is not going to stop; it’s going to get worse. You don’t have to sell yourself to be successful. You can be successful on your own and pursue avenues that are open and don’t have conditions on them.

Q. Any final thoughts?

A. We have to look at, “Where’s respect?” If we looked at that, we wouldn’t be where we are today. It’s tough to change a culture from the outside, but we can change it from the inside.

Amy J. Barry is a Baby Boomer, who lives in Stony Creek with her husband and assorted pets. She writes theater reviews for Shore Publishing newspapers and is an expressive arts educator. Contact her at www.aimwrite-ct.net