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60: It’s Just a Number

Several of my girlfriends have either recently turned 60, or like me, are entering their sixth decade in the coming year.

What does turning 60 mean to women today? Are we worrying about wrinkles and graying hair, new aches and pains, being alone in old age, being dependent on others, still caring for others, being financially secure?

Surprisingly, in my experience, although these concerns may be real, they are not at the top of the list. When I expressed my unhappiness about turning the big 6-O, my friend, who just celebrated 62, looked at me quizzically and asked, “Why? It’s just a number. This is the best time of our lives.”

The consensus seems to be “We’ve earned it.”

By the time we’ve reached our 50s and 60s, many of us have faced and survived one or more of “the biggies”—divorce, serious illness (one’s own or someone close to us), and/or the loss of a loved one.

When I facilitated bereavement support groups, I was always amazed by the strength and positive outlook of older women, who loved their spouses and grieved their passing, and if they were ill, felt good about having taken care of them until the end. And, at the same time, they were looking forward to writing their own next chapter. They couldn’t wait to experience new things, travel to places they had never been, spend more time with their friends. They were ready to claim their own lives—maybe for the first time.

In my expressive arts workshops, I’ve met women who have survived unimaginable hardship: domestic abuse, the death of a child, debilitating diseases. And yet they get themselves up and out the door, seeking connection and creative expression. They have the courage to share, to laugh, to cry, to heal, and to get on with living.

On the upside, many women our age have had—and continue to have—successful careers, and have proudly raised children into adulthood. Some of us are experiencing the joys of grandparenting (I’m still waiting). Life is good; aging doesn’t have to be a deterrent.

My musician friend Debra Alt, who just turned 60, and has had more than her fair share of personal loss said it beautifully on her website recently:

“I love the idea of using [growing older] as the ultimate reason not to get dragged into the negativity of the people, places, and things that don’t serve us, and in fact framing it as a source of empowerment. It reminds me to say ‘yes’ more to the things that excite and inspire, and ‘no’ to the things that waste precious time.

“It’s the decade where I’m healthy enough to be active, mindful enough to respect my limitations, and wise enough to not overly bemoan the obstacles and realize that…saying what I mean and meaning what I say can be its own reward, and spreading the light and love as a reflection of every possible moment can be a glorious task.”

Here is what I have observed as the attributes of people who go gently rather than kicking and screaming into their later years.

Resiliency: accepting that life rarely turns out the way we expected it to and not allowing the bumps in the road—no matter how enormous—to define the future.

Flexibility: the ability to make another plan when things don’t go as planned and not stress out about it.

Risk-taking: finding the courage to try something new, to push the envelope, to say “no” to complacency and spice up one’s life with variety and adventure.

Fortitude: mustering the strength to get back up when you’ve been beaten down, to recover, and adapt.

Sense of humor: finding something funny, even in the worst situations—at least in hindsight. If you’ve lost your will to laugh, find it. It’s a lifesaver.

Playfulness and creativity: realizing you’re never too old to have fun and express yourself through artistic pursuits. On the contrary, regular right brain activity will keep you young.

Optimism: the ability to see the glass as half full. Research has shown that optimists live longer, happier lives than pessimists.

Curiosity: Always seeking to learn more about people, places, and things, in order to become not just older, but wiser.

Spirituality: seeing the bigger picture. This doesn’t have to be through formal religious practices. Tuning into nature, doing others a good turn, practicing compassion and forgiveness helps get your mind off your own difficulties.

Saying “no”: learning to set boundaries and figure out the tricky balance between kindness to others and martyrdom. It will set you free.

Self-actualization: breaking the negative patterns of the past, having the desire to move forward and live in the present, while still dreaming big about the future.

OK, 60—bring it on. (Well, not for another seven months, but who’s counting?)

Amy J. Barry is a Baby Boomer, who lives in Stony Creek with her husband and assorted pets. She writes features and reviews for Shore Publishing newspapers and is an expressive arts educator. Email her at aimwrite@snet.net or at www.aimwrite-ct.net.